tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-39566809807175156852024-03-14T08:59:33.130+11:00Focused Psychological Strategiesray hawkeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11193537811872383867noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3956680980717515685.post-91941419571178230852012-10-04T11:29:00.000+10:002012-04-30T11:39:42.777+10:00Welcome to our program.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Welcome from Ray and Rosalie</td></tr>
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For participants in the Focused Psychological Strategies with Relationship Problems professional training.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-stJeu6b9Wxs/T5SuJOVKo5I/AAAAAAAAAYg/v9yWE1Wzx2g/s1600/bruce-eric-kaplan-i-only-overshare-because-you-never-listen-new-yorker-cartoon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-stJeu6b9Wxs/T5SuJOVKo5I/AAAAAAAAAYg/v9yWE1Wzx2g/s320/bruce-eric-kaplan-i-only-overshare-because-you-never-listen-new-yorker-cartoon.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Bruce Kaplan, New Yorker</td></tr>
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Focused Psychological Strategies is an intensive one day program that outlines a range of focused strategies for relationship problems.<br />
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It is relevant for working with both individuals and couples who present with issues around relationship maintenance.<br />
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Strategies discussed will include psycho-education, behavioral and cognitive interventions, and acceptance based interventions.<br />
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To complete the program, participants will need to attend the day, read a relevant reference and post or email a 400 to 600 word reflection on the use of a strategy or strategies (including generic client material if appropriate).<br />
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APS endorsed 11-541 (ten hours)<br />
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Reference will particularly be made to the work of John Gottman, Michelle Weiner Davis, and Andrew Christensen. Behavioral, cognitive-behavioral and integrative behavioral approaches will be discussed.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cw53L5XECFE/T5SuUhFnWYI/AAAAAAAAAYo/25DLqR79Fgo/s1600/bruce-eric-kaplan-i-m-sorry-our-dystopian-visions-are-just-too-different-new-yorker-cartoon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cw53L5XECFE/T5SuUhFnWYI/AAAAAAAAAYo/25DLqR79Fgo/s320/bruce-eric-kaplan-i-m-sorry-our-dystopian-visions-are-just-too-different-new-yorker-cartoon.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Bruce Kaplan, New Yorker</td></tr>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Course Materials:</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Wd3Qz0ca8Cw/T5SxJR2LyTI/AAAAAAAAAZA/ZAK5dwCNdvc/s1600/Picture1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="206" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Wd3Qz0ca8Cw/T5SxJR2LyTI/AAAAAAAAAZA/ZAK5dwCNdvc/s320/Picture1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">John Gottman</td></tr>
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<u><i><b>John Gottman:</b></i></u><br />
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<a href="http://www.psychotherapy.net/interview/john-gottman">Gottman interview</a><br />
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<a href="http://www.edge.org/3rd_culture/gottman05/gottman05_index.html">Gottman interviewed on the online Edge magazine </a><br />
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You can also visit the Gottman Institute online. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SQ0lz6vWbss/T5Sw3unNBfI/AAAAAAAAAY4/nbJaab7JjI4/s1600/FL_Weiner-DavisQ12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SQ0lz6vWbss/T5Sw3unNBfI/AAAAAAAAAY4/nbJaab7JjI4/s320/FL_Weiner-DavisQ12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Michelle Weiner Davis</td></tr>
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<u><i><b>Michelle Weiner-Davis:</b></i></u><br />
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<a href="http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_why_change.htm">Why should I be the one to change.</a><br />
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You can also also visit Divorcebusting.com <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6fHGsYzHmLU/T5iMRav3ZhI/AAAAAAAAAZo/c32nDEozTeg/s1600/1307.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6fHGsYzHmLU/T5iMRav3ZhI/AAAAAAAAAZo/c32nDEozTeg/s1600/1307.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Neil Jacobsen</td></tr>
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<u><i><b>Neil Jacobsen:</b></i></u><br />
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<a href="http://ibct.psych.ucla.edu/articles/Jacobson%20et%20al%202000.pdf">Outlining the core ideas of the integrative behavioral approach.</a><br />
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<a href="http://www.clarku.edu/research/coupleslab/PDF/Acceptance-versus-Change-Interventions-in-Behavioral-Couple-Therapy.pdf">Acceptance versus change interventions. </a><i><b> </b></i><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ntr5-b6lQCw/T5Svbtut_tI/AAAAAAAAAYw/sw24pXPqQbM/s1600/Andrew_Christensen_by_Reed_H-prv.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="228" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ntr5-b6lQCw/T5Svbtut_tI/AAAAAAAAAYw/sw24pXPqQbM/s320/Andrew_Christensen_by_Reed_H-prv.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Andrew Christensen</td></tr>
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<u><i><b>Andrew Christensen:</b></i></u><br />
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<a href="http://dl.dropbox.com/u/7948541/christensen.pdf">Acceptance, mindfulness and change in couple therapy</a><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Other references:</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-t7YTzg59dU4/T5iODa0nxEI/AAAAAAAAAZw/_rU9mOQl_dI/s1600/williamjdoherty.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-t7YTzg59dU4/T5iODa0nxEI/AAAAAAAAAZw/_rU9mOQl_dI/s320/williamjdoherty.jpg" width="202" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">William Doherty</td></tr>
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<a href="http://www.drbilldoherty.org/pdf/Bad_Couples_Therapy.pdf">Bill Doherty on common errors in relationship work</a><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Negative interaction cycle diagram:</span><br />
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(Click on the image to get a version you can save.)<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-IfYIa_rDl-o/T53tHCx9yCI/AAAAAAAAAas/7D4HZ_PcoWM/s1600/negative+interaction+cycle.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="451" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-IfYIa_rDl-o/T53tHCx9yCI/AAAAAAAAAas/7D4HZ_PcoWM/s640/negative+interaction+cycle.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br /></div>ray hawkeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11193537811872383867noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3956680980717515685.post-74965041692517747582012-06-23T10:54:00.000+10:002012-04-26T13:09:03.961+10:00Requirements for certification<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
You do not need to apply for our certificate if you simply wish to claim your seven hours of professional development.<br />
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However, if you want our endorsed certificate for ten hours, you will need to:<br />
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<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>Read an article relevant to the topic (you may use one of the articles listed on the blog, but you may also use your own reference)</li>
<li>Post a 4-600 word reflection to the blog, or alternatively <u style="color: red;"><i>email the reflection to Ray at ray.hawkes@ccam.org.au.</i></u></li>
<li>If you email your reflection, please indicate if you give your permission for your reflection to be posted to the blog, to contribute to group discussion of the topic.</li>
<li>The reflection should discuss the application of one or more focused strategies to a case (disguised for privacy) <i>or</i> case situation. We are flexible as to how you discuss the material.</li>
<li>Remember that this is a public blog, which van be read by anyone, so any case discussion should be disguised and generic. </li>
</ul>
Your certificate should be emailed to you within a week. If not, contact Ray.<br />
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To post to the blog, the simplest way is to compose in your word processor and paste into the blog.<br />
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<div style="color: red;">
<b><span style="font-size: small;"><i>To open a box to paste into, just find the word "comments" at the end of this blog and click on it. A box will open that you can paste your reflection into.</i></span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-size: small;"><i>Don't forget to include your name. </i></span></b></div>
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Best wishes from Ray and Rosalie.<br />
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We look forward to seeing you at our other programs.</div>ray hawkeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11193537811872383867noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3956680980717515685.post-78322741277352057092012-06-13T09:34:00.003+10:002012-06-13T09:34:43.854+10:00Flora's reflection.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Love is Contagious</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">It takes one to tango</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">The “space” between
couples, between the couple and the therapist and between each person in the
therapy room is filled with many things. As a therapist I can be sucked into
the negativity of the couple interaction and be caught up in a never ending
cycle of trying to fix things, which can only exacerbate the cycle further. If
I were to give myself the freedom/ knowing/mindfulness to stay in a
loving/carin<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>humane stance, my
interaction with the couple can be “loving”, nuturing. Could this create hope
for them and for me so that together we can fill those spaces with “positives” .
Reflecting on my practice, I notice that in that stance I am more likely to
partner their journey. But just as love is contagious, negativity can also be
contagious, which helped me to reflect on the language, intonation,
punctuation.. I might use in the session. It sure takes one to tango – brought
to my consciousness the value of mindfulness “moment to moment”. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">We talked about the
couples’ vulnerabilities tossed up in their relationship. What about our
vulnerabilities tossed up in their relationship -<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>transference and counter transference issues.
If the therapist managed their vulnerabilites, would the space between be
filled with manageable differences so that friendship and dreams are given a
chance to fill the space</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">I like the idea that
what clients valued was not just improvement, but acceptance of the current
situation and being able to view it from a distance. How much does the therapist
have to model this in the session, so that we can all see it from a distance.
Would the distance allow the spaces to be filled with positive interaction. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">The notion that love
is an activity allows us to visualize the TANGO. One really needs only one
partner to lead well and one to follow, for the dance to flow. Despite one
being a leader<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and one a follower in the
dance, there is a lot of energy, which allows the expression of difference as
the partners move together, although their steps, if looked at<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>individually may be in the opposite
directions! This could be the accepting of difference and that differences are
irreconcilable. </span></div>
</div>ray hawkeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11193537811872383867noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3956680980717515685.post-40073039605693376002012-06-04T13:53:00.002+10:002012-06-04T13:53:51.415+10:00Val's reflection.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="x_MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Val’s reflection:</span></span></div>
<div class="x_MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="x_MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 12.0pt;">While
I have worked with many clients with a variety of presenting issues
over the years, I have never worked with couples. I decided to attend
this workshop
because although there is only one person in the room with me, ‘the
relationship’ is often also present in the session. For a while now I
have wondered how to adequately address and provide time in therapy for
working on relationship issues, which were clearly
impacting on the individual and the issues they sought therapy for. It
was thus very heartening to hear Michelle Weiner Davis’s resounding ‘it
takes one to tango’ in starting to realise that in fact effective work
could occur. How issues are raised in the
relationship, how one partner communicates with the other and taking
time to identify their own goals for the relationship are all relevant
steps in beginning to make positive changes in relationships and these
can all start with one person.</span></span></div>
<div class="x_MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="x_MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 12.0pt;">I
can see how I will use other information covered in the workshop,
particularly much of what Gottman’s research has contributed to this
area. To appreciate
the level of difference that exists and disagreement that is likely to
remain in the relationship was elucidating. For one it highlighted the
need to avoid becoming stuck on problem-solving strategies when working
with relationship issues. This and the negative
interaction cycle in particular, illustrated for me the importance of
integrating ‘acceptance work’, even if using more traditional
behavioural couple therapy. How using strategies that encourage
increased understanding and acceptance of each others emotional
experience will inherently assist to combat the negative behavioural
patterns that have become the predominant interaction provides me with a
thoughtful way of understanding relationship issues. Further, articles
by Christensen and Jacobson in which they examined
differences and similarities between integrative behavioural couple
therapy and traditional behavioural couple therapy and specific research
examining the effectiveness of IBCT were of considerable interest. The
fact that changes in behaviour were also seen
in couple who completed the acceptance strategies was particularly
interesting and made me think about what really drives lasting behaviour
change.
</span></span></div>
<div class="x_MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="x_MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Finally,
to illustrate the application of the IBCT approach I will briefly
discuss an existing client. I have been working with this client for an
ongoing
addiction issue and the last month in particular has focused on relapse
prevention following his decision to quit his addiction. His
relationship had become a topic in therapy because of his partner’s
choice to continue to use when he decided to stop. The
addiction was an activity they had for many years enjoyed together. In
therapy to date we had explored the impact on him of her decision, the
difficulties this created in the relationship and the need for his
understanding that she needed to get to that decision
on her own. In our last session I introduced the idea that this choice,
this difference between them may in fact not be resolved. This
facilitated a healthy discussion about what that would mean for him, for
his decision to remain abstinent and for their relating.
Although difficult for him to consider initially, by the end of the
session he had begun to identify preparatory steps he could use to begin
to manage this given the importance it placed on his own decision. It
moved work with this client from a slightly stalled
place of focusing on his partner and her choices, to a place of him
beginning to consider what the relationship would be like and what it
would mean to him if this difference remained between them. With much
still to learn and put into practice, I am encouraged
about the knowledge and resources available for working with
relationship issues, with or without both parties.</span></span></div>
<div class="x_MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="x_MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 12pt;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">Val Markovska</span></span></div>
</div>ray hawkeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11193537811872383867noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3956680980717515685.post-33794456098528178582012-06-04T13:50:00.003+10:002012-06-04T13:50:59.902+10:00Robert's reflection<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="comment-header" id="bc_0_0M" kind="m">
<cite class="user"><a href="http://www.blogger.com/profile/10713371792184288262" rel="nofollow">robert</a></cite><span class="icon user"></span><span class="datetime secondary-text"><a href="http://catholiccarefocused.blogspot.com/2012/05/claires-reflection.html?showComment=1338601545642#c4059793324897597871" rel="nofollow">June 2, 2012 11:45 AM</a></span></div>
<div class="comment-content" id="bc_0_0MC">
Reflection on the Focused Psychological Strategies Workshop<br /><br />I
enjoyed very much the workshop presented by Ray and Rosalie, it
introduced principles of Integrative Behavioural Couples Therapy (IBCT)
based on the work of Neal Jacobson and integrated it with the strategic
work of Michelle Weiner-Davis. In this way we learned about the
importance of making small positive behavioural changes and how powerful
the symbolism of little acts can be to the progress of a relationship,
communicating a willingness to take responsibility for change and a
positive intention to begin now – a sort of “it takes one person to
Tango” (who would have known?). The article By Christensen, Sevier,
Simpson and Gattis which extends the work of Jacobson, expands this
process introducing ideas of acceptance and mindfulness. It is
interesting to note that in the process of moving from traditional
Behaviour Couple Therapy to this more integrated form (IBCT) they
emphasise the importance of past relationships and patterns learnt.
Perhaps the possibility of further integrating this approach with more
attachment based approaches is not too far into the future. <br />We
discussed the concept of breaking the chain of negative communication
cycles by focussing on the underlying emotions driving the
communication. Dialogues in therapy can often appear as criticisms and
blame directed to the other, however the underlying feelings are
generally more profound fears and hurts associated with the relationship
as well as a sense of failure/loss of self confidence directed to the
self. In my practice this is certainly a powerful way of breaking the
negative cycle during sessions and it was helpful to be reminded during
the workshop of its effectiveness.<br />In the workshop we also revisited
the interesting research of John Gottman. His pragmatic, research base
approach normalises many of our experiences in therapeutic work with
couples and our experiences in our own personal relationships. The
finding that most differences between couples and most areas of conflict
do not necessarily get resolve (about 65% remain unresolved!) and it is
the manner in which we manage the differences and relate to our
partners through the process that determines much of the quality of the
relationship. I found helpful the idea of emphasising Friendship as a
dominant aspect of the relationship (although I found Ray’s comment on
the longevity of passion – 2 years max – rather depressing and hope that
he was only projecting!!). I have always found Gottman’s ideas relating
to the dangers of stonewalling, contempt and lack of respect as
worthwhile components of an assessment as well as part of a
psycho-educational process with couples.<br />Thanks for an interesting day<br /><br />Robert Takac</div>
</div>ray hawkeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11193537811872383867noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3956680980717515685.post-24541918577074056362012-05-07T14:06:00.001+10:002012-05-07T14:06:48.993+10:00Claire's reflection.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic'; font-size: 11pt;">While
finding many of the ideas discussed in the workshop interesting – some
as refreshers, some quite new, it has been especially great to discover
Michelle Wiener Davis’ work So often I have found myself working with
an individual client, exploring their relationship and silently wishing I
had the other half there! And wondering about the wisdom and usefulness
of taking up precious therapy time on this.
</span></div>
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic'; font-size: 11pt;">The
concept of Cheese-less Tunnels is useful here – most people can
identify that what they’re doing isn’t working. So while they generally
want the
other person to change, it is perhaps easier when there is only one
person in the session to be able to say ‘we can’t work on Doug changing
as he’s not here, what do you think
<u>you</u> might be able to do differently?’ And maybe, as a result of that, Doug may also change his dance steps</span></div>
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic'; font-size: 11pt;"></span></div>
<br />
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic'; font-size: 11pt;">Bill
Doherty’s article ‘Bad Couples therapy: How to Avoid Doing It’ had some
really useful and thought-provoking ideas. His statement that ‘not
having
a moral framework is to have an unacknowledged one’ rang bells.</span></div>
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic'; font-size: 11pt;">On
the one hand, it was a familiar concept – an earlier gig I had was
training Lifeline volunteer counselors and I introduced a session on
values, the
core message being ‘If you haven’t thought about where you stand on a
whole myriad of core issues that will come up in calls, this will get in
the way’. So often volunteers would say ‘I have no particular stance on
(e.g.) same-sex relationships’, when what
they really meant was ‘I haven’t thought through the issues at all, and
will no doubt find myself doing so when I am a call!’</span></div>
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic'; font-size: 11pt;">But I had not given enough reflection myself to where I stand on my values around commitment.</span></div>
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic'; font-size: 11pt;">Thinking
about couples I have worked with, the pattern seems to be that, where
the couple voices a strong desire to stay together even when
difficulties
are huge, it’s easy to go along with this. </span></div>
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic'; font-size: 11pt;">Where one partner has doubts, or I find myself struggling a bit to actually like one partner, I think it’s possible I have
<span> </span>worked in a less committed way to help the couple stay
together. As if I am confusing who actually has to spend time with this
person!
</span></div>
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic'; font-size: 11pt;">The
ideas around divided loyalties also struck a chord – remembering a
couple where the woman mentioned childcare issues on the phone but it
was 45
minutes into the session before I realized the male partner present was
not the biological father of the toddler in question – their
relationship had started while she was pregnant (but had ended her
relationship with the child’s father). To talk through the
very different developmental stages here – a sole mother coping with
demands of a toddler, alongside the thrills of the ‘puppy stage’ of a
relatively new relationship – might have helped the couple find more
empathy for each other.</span></div>
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic'; font-size: 11pt;"></span></div>
<br />
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic'; font-size: 11pt;">The
‘gender issues’ discussion during the workshop was interesting. I have
found that Gottman’s notions of stonewalling and flooding have been
really
powerful when labeling male’s behaviour – men feel like you get it, and
women are offered a physiological explanation for their partner’s
behaviour that doesn’t feel so personal, and perhaps helps them see a
little more vulnerability in their partner. Which
hopefully creates a more empathic connection.</span></div>
<div class="x_MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic'; font-size: 11pt;">But
the idea that was new to me was about the male primitive drive to ‘make
my wife happy’. I had taken the common expression ‘happy wife, happy
life’
to be somehow pejorative – ‘do the right thing to keep her happy,
whether or not there’s any genuine meaning behind the action’. But I see
it a bit differently now, and will do some more reading around this!</span></div>
</div>ray hawkeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11193537811872383867noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3956680980717515685.post-11219636511497191512012-05-07T10:35:00.000+10:002012-05-07T10:35:18.934+10:00Great reflection from Glen Barnes<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-family: "Lucida Calligraphy"; font-size: 20.0pt;">Snapshots</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-family: "Lucida Calligraphy";">Inspiration in application</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-family: "Lucida Calligraphy";">Based on the Focused Psychological
Strategies Workshop.</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-family: "Lucida Calligraphy";">Rosalie Pattenden and Ray Hawkes</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-family: "Lucida Calligraphy";">April 24, 2012.</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt;">So much of the
workshop was practical and immediately applicable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The following week, I had many opportunities to
utilise the strategies from the workshop with my clients.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Therefore, rather than choose one strategy to
apply, I have documented a number of snapshots.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8TE5LZKGVQs/T6cYQP5xNCI/AAAAAAAAAa4/_LrSXf7lMG0/s1600/1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8TE5LZKGVQs/T6cYQP5xNCI/AAAAAAAAAa4/_LrSXf7lMG0/s1600/1.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-family: "Lucida Calligraphy"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Annie and John</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt;">A couple in their
mid- 30s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The couple have a young
toddler. John was previously married and has a teenage son.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was a first session.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt;">Annie and John
have been together for 3 years, and are not married.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>John arrived agitated and unsure that
counselling can help (he has already tried individual counselling), and while
he finds it difficult to express what the problem is, he fears a repeat of his
last separation, which was “a very messy divorce”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Annie cries softly for most of the first 30
minutes, and describes that she had several long term relationships before she
partnered John; and the last one she stayed in way too long.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She has no other children, and seems devoted
to her young daughter – her life as a mother is a stark contrast to her previous
life, where she travelled and had a high profile job.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She seems contented with this new life, and
her distress to be more about how her husband feels than her own disappointment
in the partnership. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt;">Strategies which were
useful:</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: 42.55pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -24.55pt;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">i.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The
Tunnel of Love</b> - Leunig’s cartoon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My quick sketch (acknowledging Leunig, of course) prompted the question
of what was going on - now that the tunnel had burrowed underground. It
provided an opportunity to normalise the journey for most couples, and this
reframe did not require many words (a picture is worth a thousand words!)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They quickly volunteered that they had many
lengthy discussions about the partnership, but no productive outcomes. By
inference they were telling me that they required input from me to break this
impasse – ie seeking <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">expertise/ wisdom</b>
from their counsellor.<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 42.55pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -24.55pt;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">ii.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt;">Different Definitions of Love. </span></b><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
was a surprise to this couple, who I suspect had been seeking a mutually agreed
definition of love, that most couples do not understand love in the same way.
John, who holds a senior position in a financial institution and in his work
life had little time for the relevance or impact of emotions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, when I asked them for examples of an
‘ideal’ intimate partnership, John opted for Romeo and Juliet!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In sharp contrast to his successful work
life, he had a very idealised idea of “romance “ (his word).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Annie contrasted her two other serious (‘too-long’)
relationships as being passionate , but lacking a shared rationality. A
revelation emerged, which had not been previously discussed: Annie had told
John that she felt she had chosen him for more than just passion – she felt the
shared intelligence and world view were equally important. Apparently, she had
mentioned this to John quite some time ago- and he had been quietly festering
on it; he understood it to mean, “I don’t actually love you.’<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 42.55pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -24.55pt;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">iii.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Gottman’s
Relationship House </b>offered a measured reassurance, and linked to John’s
work world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We focused on the importance
of <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">friendship</b>; they both feel that
they are strong in friendship. Annie had not recognised that this wasn’t enough
for John, and he hadn’t spoken of this blow to his hopes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This lead us to the concept of <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Shared Dreams.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></b>The arrival of their baby, who they both
adore, had heightened their tension, as they were unable to agree on their
hopes for the future of their child. Gottman’s research – showing that 70% of
satisfaction is derived from friendship, for both men and women – would have
also been valuable – but we didn’t address this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll keep it mind for next time if
appropriate.<br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 42.55pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -24.55pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">iv.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span></b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt;">Jacobson’s<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Acceptance Model, </span></b><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt;">with
objectives of emotional acceptance, and interventions of explored emotional
reactions and mindfulness, were briefly addressed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Both spontaneously moved to the very
different ways affection was displayed in their family-of-origin.<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: 42.55pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -24.55pt;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">v.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt;">Sense of Hope. </span></b><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt;">The homework<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>activity<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>was embraced enthusiastically by
both.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We discussed the very different
modality for expressing affection that they had grown up with:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>John’s family always greeted each other with
a kiss, including all the men (to each other), while Annie’s family kept a
distance, almost never touching each other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Between sessions, they have agreed to practice expressing their
affection for each other in the way the best member of the in-law family would
do it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This raised more laughter, with John
checking with Annie about which one he should model himself on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He asked could he actually seek advice from
her brother (who Annie suggested was the most successful).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It appeared to me that having something new
to do also reinforced the budding <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">sense
of hope</b> which was not there at the beginning of the session.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt;">At the end of the
session both Annie and John volunteered that they had had a number of
significant new insights, and they were keen to come back.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-aftW8EPx1Wo/T6cYZS3_Q5I/AAAAAAAAAbA/DuFl0D_nkIw/s1600/2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-aftW8EPx1Wo/T6cYZS3_Q5I/AAAAAAAAAbA/DuFl0D_nkIw/s1600/2.png" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-family: "Lucida Calligraphy"; font-size: 11pt;">Kellie.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt;">Kellie is a
beautifully groomed intelligent woman in her early fifties, now working
professionally, as a result of completing university qualifications as a mature
age student.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She first presented with
concerns about the relationship between her husband and their teenage son.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt;">It became clear
that Kellie’s major concern was the (somewhat bizarre) behaviour of her
husband, which included very unreasonable anger toward the son. She used the
sessions to give thoughtful and respectful consideration about what was behind
her husband ‘s strange behaviour.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
emerged that his business had gone under, that they had large credit card debt,
yet he refused to discuss either their relationship or their financial problems,
despite her really respectful and creative approaches to him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the session following the workshop, Kellie
arrived ready to ‘throw in the towel’ and begin steps to separate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt;">Strategies which
were useful:</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: 42.55pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -1.0cm;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">i.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt;">Takes One To Tango</span></b><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt;">.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Kellie felt despondent about her husband’s refusal to respond.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Utilising Michelle Davis’s ‘be willing to tip
over the first domino’, Kellie became energised to keep working to connect with
him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although she had been ready to give
up on the 25 year marriage, she still remembered him as lovable and kind –
before the recent onset of secrecy and withdrawal. <br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 42.55pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -24.55pt;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">ii.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt;">Gender Differences.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></b><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt;">We spent considerable time empathising with the importance of the
business to her husband; and her new insight helped her to understand why he
was so hesitant to receive her offers of support; she had taken these as
personal rejection.<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: 42.55pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -24.55pt;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">iii.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt;">Relational Mindfulness</span></b><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt;">.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Kellie developed another approach to talking with her husband, and left
the session ready to try again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt;">A few days later
she emailed that he had responded with a willingness to do things differently
and that he ‘loved her heaps’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We will
see what happens next at the next session; hopefully he will also attend.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jcYrUV_eKAI/T6cYkoHCdnI/AAAAAAAAAbI/ZoDuHZGsQzU/s1600/3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jcYrUV_eKAI/T6cYkoHCdnI/AAAAAAAAAbI/ZoDuHZGsQzU/s1600/3.png" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-family: "Lucida Calligraphy"; font-size: 11pt;"> Sally and Pete</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 18.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt;">Sally came to see us because her ‘lovely’ daughter
(14) had turned into a ‘monster’; and she was very unhappy about their continual
fights. Older sibling (19) is studying, and does not live home..<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sally and Pete have been married 21 years.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 18.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt;">In the first session
Sally almost neglected to mention her husband at all – she was fired up and
furious about her daughter’s behaviour and she felt angry and alone. In the
second session, a slightly less frenetic Sally began to vent annoyance at how
her husband appeared to support the daughter’s angst towards her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sitting with Sally was still not unlike being
caught up in a cyclone!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She is a very
busy, successful business woman, and she also raged at her husband for making a
bad investment several years ago – details not forthcoming. She said she now
had no respect for him. To a suggestion that we might invite Pete to future
session, Sally responded forcefully, “I’ll make him come next time”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tried to have her defer the invitation while
we prepared for a couple session; Sally had shown very little interest in
‘standing in his shoes’, and I feared it was premature.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt;">Next session
(after the workshop) Sally arrived with a retiring Pete in tow; he announced he
didn’t want to say anything!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sally
looked as if she was spoiling for a fight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt;">Strategies which
were useful:</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: 35.45pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -21.25pt;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">i.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt;">Negative Interaction Cycle</span></b><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt;">.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
was clear with almost nothing being said, that Sally and Pete were caught in a
destructive cycle of hurt and vengeance (like the workshop Mary &
John).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I explained that before we tried
to explore ways of them <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">managing their
differences</b>, we needed to be sure that each did actually know what the
other one thought.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I then asked them to
give a few minutes thought to what their partner would say about their
differences.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I then asked Sally to tell
me, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">as if</b> she was Pete, what their
differences were.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She responded
energetically.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He smiled, and when
asked to give Sally feedback on her accuracy, told her she was ‘right on’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He then did the same for Sally, and got a
similar response.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">We were on our way!</i> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We then
very carefully looked at how they each saw the daughter’s behaviour; again I
asked them to speak as if they were the other.<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>As Pete described how he
thought Sally felt, including that<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>she
saw his behaviour as more than favouring the daughter, but actually showing his
disinterest in Sally, the furious and stormy Sally dissolved before our eyes,
tears poured down her face, and she spoke in a quiet voice I had not heard
before.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I congratulated them on how well
they understood each other.<br />
<br />
Pete spoke up about how he feared that any proposal his daughter tried to
negotiate for ‘freedom (eg visiting friends after school) would be blocked by
Sally.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sally talked about how it hurt
that Pete could see that she felt neglected and unloved, yet did not reach out
to her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They were both saying how they had lost the
ability to communicate. <br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 35.45pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -21.25pt;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">ii.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt;">The Relationship is the Unit</span></b><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt;">.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Gottman’s concept was palpable in the room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They faced each other quietly and carefully,
and we looked into the details of their difference as a challenge for ‘their
unit’; which was of paramount importance to both of them. <br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: 35.45pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -21.25pt;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">iii.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt;">Five Languages of Love. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></b><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt;">Exploring Chapman’s different styles prompted
both Sally and Pete to suggest practical activities to begin to meet the
other’s needs before the next session.<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11.0pt;">No mention had
been made of the financial loss which Sally had described with such vigour and
resentment the previous session, as the reason for her great loss of respect
for Pete.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I obliquely mentioned it;
neither wanted to take it up; smiles continued.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A very much softer Sally, and a more vocal
Pete left the session, with an appointment for next time – together.</span></div>
</div>ray hawkeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11193537811872383867noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3956680980717515685.post-48097519149797492732012-05-05T10:57:00.002+10:002012-05-07T10:37:48.270+10:00Lorraine's reflection<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I liked how the overviewed
approaches such as cognitive, solutions focused behavioural, learning theory
etc.might be smoothly integrated into a
structured and active way of working with couples. This led me to thinking on
an overall theme of integration, at different levels, given that current
neuroscience indicates that the process of integration is based on integration
of mind, body and social, ( i.e.
neuro-biology and psychology of experience,and re-experience - conscious
and unconscious, attachment theories and the framework of social context and connections ). Despite the
limitations of our sessions with couples being such a small snapshot in time,
place and versions of reality, this is an exciting time to have access to much
recent information on brain science and the implications for working with
clients in a way which can incorporate this. Any integration obviously needs a
social context, and relecting here on mirror neurons, the reminder about
focused attention resonated with me in being a pre-requisite for being able to
listen and hear our clients in a meaningful way.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I find Gottman’s
thinking of the relationships as a “unit”can be expanding for couples when
stuck in the negative interaction cycle, and as I have just discovered Stan
Tatkin, I have been thinking along the lines of how exploring each person’s attachment style
can be a psycho-educational opportunity which can then flow on into their building
a mutually safe, secure “bubble” unit.
Tatkin’s ways of each partner helping the other to manage affect as well
as their own also fits nicely with Gottmans antidotes to the 4 horseman. I find
couples often find reassurance in Gottman’s finding that most major differences
do not get resolved over time, but rather can be managed differently. The
relationship emerges as the focus also in the reading provided on IBCT in terms
of mindfulness and acceptance. The
recommended reading has pointed to the fostering of emotional acceptance as the
springboard for couples’ attunement in various ways. What I’m reading and
interpreting is not so much about treating partners as you would like to be
treated, but more treating them as they need to be treated by understanding
behaviour in terms of their individual experience and vulnerabilities- what
Gottman refers to as “enduring qualities”- which he finds are about 30% of what
each bring to the relationship. Not least is acceptance of one’s own negative
reactions /emotions as a means to accepting those of the partner. (Christensen) This emotional acceptance also
incorporates behavioural, cognitive and other change, so back to integration .
. . . . . </div>
</div>ray hawkeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11193537811872383867noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3956680980717515685.post-2164706065412430992012-05-05T10:54:00.002+10:002012-05-05T10:54:10.416+10:00Pamela's reflection<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-AU;">One the most useful things about the workshop
on FPS for relationship problems was the realisation that there are many
possible strategies and approaches that involve behavioural and cognitive
change. It seems to me that working with a couple when both people are in the
room is more dynamic and complex than working with one member of the couple.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-AU;">It seems that listening and reflecting in an
attentive and mindful way is a great place to start and I often find that this
works well with many of the couples I have seen. Upon reflection I realise that
these couples were probably the healthier ones and were not so entrenched in the
negative cascade described by Gottman. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-AU;">Recently I saw a couple, Donald and Rachael who
were really struggling together and the contempt from Donald was palpable. They
both seemed stuck in the rightness of their own individual positions and moving
from this was sadly, not possible. This couple has not stayed together. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In order for this couple to stay together and
work on their relationship I would have needed to be able to engage them in a
therapeutic process in order to move their relationship to a new position.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Upon reflection, providing psychoeducation
about the negative cascade and the impact that this may have had on their
relationship and then actively seeking ways to interrupt the cycle.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-AU;">As a beginning couple therapist there appears
to be a bewildering array of strategies and ideas about what to do in the
therapy room and deciding so, I thought I’d read William J Doherty article
about bad therapy. I like his comment about a “laid-back or timid therapist can
doom a marriage” as some relationships require a “quick CPR” to keep it alive.
It is useful to remember that developing hope and finding a purpose is
incredibly important for some one recovering from depression, the same can be
said of relationships. Most couples would like the therapist to demonstrate a
sense of hope for moving forward.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Without this maybe the therapist will join the couple in their spiral
down the negative cascade.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-AU;">So, developing the idea of a sense of hope many
of Gottman and Doherty ideas would be helpful: creating structure within the
session, focussing on relationship goals, reducing/eliminating criticism,
naming specific arguments as perpetual and creating a “pet” name for it and
focussing on solvable problems that help the couple recognise the futility of
gridlocked positions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The starting point
for this is encouraging the couple to listen more attentively to each other
with an attitude of interest and mindfulness of the present moment. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-AU;">I will be seeing a couple next week who have
many complex difficulties including alcohol use and mental illness and I am
planning to put some of the above into action.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
</div>ray hawkeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11193537811872383867noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3956680980717515685.post-45460627018210401492012-05-03T09:24:00.001+10:002012-05-03T09:24:12.063+10:00Darryl's reflection<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Gottman’s interview raises some points that I think will be useful in my work with couples. <br />
<br />
1) Being ‘gentle’ in the way they approach solving problems with a
partner. Often couples take a conflictual/opposing mindset even before
they approach each other to discuss an issue they disagree on. This
leads to a defensive approach with minimal scope for genuine listening
and understanding or compromise. Assisting couples to develop better
ways to ‘disagree’ (i.e. still remaining connected or positive in your
approach to your partner but being able to disagree about a specific
issue/topic is very different to seeing yourself as disagreeing with the
entire person in that moment). The ‘gentle’ approach of still
respecting the other person (and hopefully loving them) can encourage
more open and productive dialogue and maintain the friendship even
during disagreements. Seeing the problem as the problem and not the
person as the problem is important. I think it will be beneficial to
teaching couples the importance of setting the tone of communications
early in an interaction and not inviting trouble through a
pre-determined negative mindset. Simple softenings in the choice of
words, tone/volume of voice, and body language could assist them in
keeping disagreements somewhat cordial.<br />
<br />
2) Recognising and respecting enduring vulnerabilities in a partner.
Clients I have worked with often know the specific topics/issues that
upset their partner. This is a key issue when I discuss with clients
whether they know how to ‘fight fair’ or whether their arguments drift
into attacking each other (saying or doing things with sole the
intention of making the other person feel worse). When reflecting during
sessions, often clients recognise that their arguments start out ‘on
topic’ but then become more about defending and attacking rather than a
constructive discussion. Some clients have benefitted from recognising
each others ‘no go’ topics and learn to look after each other better
even during their heated disagreements.<br />
<br />
3) The importance or repairing and recovering from disagreements. I
think that if clients learn how to help each other ‘get over’ difficult
conversations, instead of carrying the hostility within themselves well
after the interaction has ceased, then they will be more open to
communication and also start to build their friendship more. If they can
show empathy and attention to their partner and nurture them back to a
degree of calmness it helps build their bond and a sense of safety or
comfort that disagreements are tolerable and do not necessarily result
in an extended period of negative emotion or a fracture in the
relationship. <br />
<br />
4) The best way to effect change is to change behaviour. A common
frustration for me and some clients is that as much as we can talk, show
empathy and build understanding, if they do not do anything different
between sessions then the initial positivity of feeling listened to and
gaining insight can wear off. The couple in the Michelle Weiner Davis’
video highlighted how much emotions can shift if some specific
behaviours are changed or introduced. An important part of my work with
clients is to ensure that I don’t simply listen and build understanding
but that I also challenge and encourage them to DO something different
to create positive changes for themselves.<br />
<br />
DARRYL WILSON</span></div>ray hawkeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11193537811872383867noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3956680980717515685.post-5809895064808078262012-04-26T13:07:00.003+10:002012-04-26T13:16:38.111+10:00Ari's reflection<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<i>(Excerpt. Posted with Ari's permission.)</i><br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> Follow up reading confirmed to me
the necessary integrative framework currently being employed within this type
of work. We are becoming increasingly aware of the integrative nature of
cognition, emotional and feeling sensations and behaviours. The key mechanisms
within the human condition allow us to assess and process information in our
environments, formulate and navigate a direction towards safety, health,
attachment and self preservation.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> Interestingly enough we also rely on
primitive processing to protect ourselves form danger, enemies and emotional
hurt. After this training and follow up readings it has become even more
clearer to me that at times we disconnect and disengage from our partners, we
protect ourselves from being triggered into hurt, we are responsible for the
gridlock and stand-off episodes in our relationships and ultimately as mature
adults we have a responsibility. A responsibility towards investing in our
relationships, a responsibility towards acting and behaving in a loving way
towards our partner, a responsibility to diffuse negative interaction cycles
and a responsibility to better understand our partner’s needs, wants, wishes,
dreams and goals.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> As
cognitive, behavioural and emotional integrated individuals, we are open to a
variety of expressions. We can create positive interaction cycles through our
actions towards our partner, we can create positive interaction cycles through
a greater empathic understanding of our partner, by acknowledging our negative
thought patterns towards our partner and our relationships, and also by being
more aware of our own distress, triggered hurts and position we protect when we
are in this emotional vacuum.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> A greater understanding of oneself
could foster better regulation of one’s emotional reactivity and open
themselves to better understanding the partner’s emotional needs. A better
understanding of the partner’s emotional distress or triggered core hurts could
assist in assisting in regulating your partner’s emotional distress. Positive
behaviours and empathy lead to secure attachment. Acting lovingly reinforces
and validates the partner’s emotional investment in the relationship and their
individual needs.</span></div>
</div>ray hawkeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11193537811872383867noreply@blogger.com0