One the most useful things about the workshop
on FPS for relationship problems was the realisation that there are many
possible strategies and approaches that involve behavioural and cognitive
change. It seems to me that working with a couple when both people are in the
room is more dynamic and complex than working with one member of the couple.
It seems that listening and reflecting in an
attentive and mindful way is a great place to start and I often find that this
works well with many of the couples I have seen. Upon reflection I realise that
these couples were probably the healthier ones and were not so entrenched in the
negative cascade described by Gottman.
Recently I saw a couple, Donald and Rachael who
were really struggling together and the contempt from Donald was palpable. They
both seemed stuck in the rightness of their own individual positions and moving
from this was sadly, not possible. This couple has not stayed together. In order for this couple to stay together and
work on their relationship I would have needed to be able to engage them in a
therapeutic process in order to move their relationship to a new position. Upon reflection, providing psychoeducation
about the negative cascade and the impact that this may have had on their
relationship and then actively seeking ways to interrupt the cycle.
As a beginning couple therapist there appears
to be a bewildering array of strategies and ideas about what to do in the
therapy room and deciding so, I thought I’d read William J Doherty article
about bad therapy. I like his comment about a “laid-back or timid therapist can
doom a marriage” as some relationships require a “quick CPR” to keep it alive.
It is useful to remember that developing hope and finding a purpose is
incredibly important for some one recovering from depression, the same can be
said of relationships. Most couples would like the therapist to demonstrate a
sense of hope for moving forward.
Without this maybe the therapist will join the couple in their spiral
down the negative cascade.
So, developing the idea of a sense of hope many
of Gottman and Doherty ideas would be helpful: creating structure within the
session, focussing on relationship goals, reducing/eliminating criticism,
naming specific arguments as perpetual and creating a “pet” name for it and
focussing on solvable problems that help the couple recognise the futility of
gridlocked positions. The starting point
for this is encouraging the couple to listen more attentively to each other
with an attitude of interest and mindfulness of the present moment.
I will be seeing a couple next week who have
many complex difficulties including alcohol use and mental illness and I am
planning to put some of the above into action.
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